倪小明香腸國日記

McLeod Ganj

Rain outside, blackout inside. During the 8-hour bus ride, I had a lot of time to do some thinking (yes I DO have a brain). I do miss mom, and I realised there were some times that I wanted her attention, but never asked for it, because I didn't want to act spoiled. There were times when I was seriously ill, and wanted her to take me to the hospital instead of my dad. I know my dad also cares for me, but I always felt securer with her. Would it be too much if I ask her to do it? I remember times when she behaved unreasonable when she was ill. She probably also wanted my attention. But I was too tired, I could only deal with the everyday job of cooking and looking after her, I wasn't very patient to take care of her additional needs. When my sister, the nurse or her friends are willing to take over, I had no hesitate to party and meet my friends. I still remember the guilt I felt, but I have no regrets, because it was too stressful. What would she do? I love her a lot, but I know she loved me even more. What would she react to my unreasonable requests?

Perhaps there's no use of thinking the "What if"s. At the moment she left us, I was quite sure that she's gone, and ghosts and spirits are just things we believe to confort ourselves when we miss them. I'm having a hard time deciding to believe the things I should believe, or the things I want to believe.

I do believe there is some unknown power out there which science can't explain, that's why I haven't became an antitheist; instead, I think lots of religions actually have the same god, they just appear in different ways in different cultures. But till now, I don't believe she's still with us. In fact, I'm not even sure if it would be easier for me if she still exists. Nights and mornings I blamed her, why she doesn't come and visit me in my dreams. Gone is cruel, but till now it seems real. She is kept in my heart but doesn't live in my heart, she will never age with me, she's like frozen.

For months I decided not to reveal my sorrow, because it would always ruin a good atmosphere. But suddenly, with this rain and Tibetan surrounding, it doesn't matter anymore.